Alone And Lonely?
by Tea Bush
Summary: Seifer x Squall, remember? At last I brought all 3 chaps together!!! The Ending of the story... Now it is complete!!! A bonus poem included. Hope you like the final chapter. I'm craving for reviews.
1. Alone and Lonely?

Disclamer: I don't own them (neither Squall nor Seifer nor anyone else)!  
Warning: Shounen-ai, pure and simple. Not too much though. Just a bit. But if you don't like it, don't read anyway. PG-13, I think... I'm not that good at rating...  
  
  
Alone And Lonely?  
  
  
  
Squall sat down on the bed and sighed. Then he covered his legs with a cozy blanket, and tried not to think about anything.  
  
He failed.  
  
The first unwanted thought to enter his mind was "I'm alone". It was truthful enough, 'cause everybody else went to Dollet to take part in the annual festival. The only ones to stay at the Garden were he and Seifer. But Seifer was no person to bother thinking of, so Squall was alone.  
  
The second thought was "I'm lonely". Again, it was the truth, pure and simple. He sniffed, remembering Irvine saying something about loneliness of sharpshooters. Irvine lied: he isn't a loner, he's got Selphie, and Selphie isn't going to leave her date as Rinoa did. Zell has his hotdogs, and Quistis has just found herself an adoring passion -- the instructor at a fellow garden. Only Squall has got no one, only Squall and Seifer, but Seifer seems like he just doesn't need anyone at all, so Squall was lonely.  
  
The third thought could be expressed as "Why am I so unlucky?"  
  
The fourth was "What can I do?"  
  
The fifth "Commit suicide, perhaps?"  
  
The sixth "No way."  
  
Then Squall lost count, but found out that he could no longer sit there. He simply had to do something... anything. He stood up and went out of his dorm room.  
  
Squall headed into the training center, trying to find some monster to fight with. He found and fought one sleepy T-Rex, and was very surprised when it ran away at the last moment. Disappointed, Squall returned to his room, realizing that he didn't know how to fight the most dangerous monster -- depression.  
  
Darkness had fallen, so he tried to sleep, but failed yet again. He ate some stale hamburgers, but it wasn't what he wanted.  
  
"I don't want to be alone", he said to himself. Squall felt so lost and helpless that he wanted to cry. He left his room again, walking slowly and not knowing where he wanted to get to.  
  
He ended up at the 2nd floor balcony. The moon smiled peacefully from above. Squall suddenly realized he did want to go here, to stay on the balcony, smelling the ocean breeze and watching the growing moon. He sat in the corner next to the metal border, tear-eyed, looking into the night for about one hour.  
  
The best loneliness is the beautiful loneliness, and at that point he was beautiful. But... he was no longer alone.  
  
Seifer walked up to him and stood there, looking at the far city lights.  
  
"Leave me alone, Almasy!" said Squall, his voice trembling.  
  
"What's wrong, Leonheart?" no one could foresee that Seifer did care about something.  
  
"You'll never understand."  
  
"Why, am I so dumb?", Seifer said, with a hint of a smile.  
  
"You really want to listen?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
"Oh, okay. Do you think I'm happy?"  
  
"Yes, you should be."  
  
"Well, I'm not," said Squall and silence continued.  
  
"Why?" Seifer sounded really interested.  
  
"Well...  
Do you know what it's like to be lonely? To see that no one understands you? To feel no one cares about you? You'll say 'What about your friends?' They're not real friends. They're just company. Just a party. None of them feels the same way as I do." Squall turned his back to Seifer to hide tears in his eyes and continued.  
  
"And I need someone to feel things like I feel them. To be near me. You're different, you're the strong one. You don't need this kind of crap. You don't care-"  
  
Squall stopped speaking because he felt that Seifer embraced him from behind. The embrace was soft and gentle - not the kind you could expect from Seifer, if you could expect any at all. Squall turned to him, confused.  
  
Seifer removed his gloves and slowly wiped up Squall's tears with his hand.  
  
"You're wrong, I do care," said Seifer and landed a kiss on Squall's open lips.  
  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I like yaoi/yury, so I simply *had* to try one of these!!! I know this has been done numerous times before, but...  
Read and review!!! Please! If you like it, I'll make a sequel! ^-^ 


	2. The Sequel

Not-so-well-disguised warning and disclaimer:  
Author: Let's see, what do we have here... //opens the reviews page// OH MY GOD!  
Seifer: What? Someone wants to sue you already?  
Squall: ...What...ever?...  
Author: They liked it!  
Seifer: I don't believe it! Amazing!  
Squall: ...Whatever!...  
Seifer: Please, stop saying 'whatever', will you?  
Squall: Why? I thought they like it...  
Seifer: It's so unnerving, particularly given that you know how to express yourself *another* way. //smirks//  
Squall: //blushes// Um... Whatever...  
Author: Quit this, we have a lot of work here to do! Our reviewers said they want a sequel!  
Seifer & Squall: What sequel? There wasn't anything about any sequel mentioned in the text we saw!  
Author: Hehe... Well it *is* there... now! Onto the legal stuff!  
Seifer: //to the readers// He owns us not!  
Squall: //also to the readers// And he likes yaoi!  
Author: //again, to the readers// Consider yourselves warned.  
  
  
  
The Sequel  
  
  
Morning light peeked through a hole in the curtains on Seifer's room window. Squall was dressing up hastily. For him, last night could be compared to a weird dream that, strangely enough, came true. He didn't have the chance to think it over properly, but something inside him was feeling very different.  
  
Seifer woke up and looked at Squall, smiling. It was actually a smile, not a smirk, which was usually present on his lips. Squall noticed it and smiled back. Then he departed, still remaining silent. Seifer put his hands under his head, lay on his back and closed his eyes again. After a long time he was happy.  
  
Squall left Seifer's room and went to the library to sit there and think. He took a random book from the shelf, opened it and sat down.  
  
He was really puzzled and nearly started hating himself for becoming rational again. Last night he let emotions overcome his mind, narcotize his awareness. But now his conscience was wide awake, and Squall kept asking, again and again, if the events of the night were right... Thinking the things over hurt, but he could do nothing with that. Contemplating on past was a part of his nature, wanted he or not.  
  
A very long time ago, after events too painful for a young sensitive boy, Squall believed that the only person he could trust in the whole world was himself. So he never really relied on other people, thinking that they can let him down any minute. He got used to not showing his feelings to anybody, fearing that they would misunderstand him, and tried not to react much to the world around him. Anyway, he thought, the less you let out, the safer you are.  
  
Still, it was hard not to let the things out with Seifer nearby. It seemed that he always knew where Squall's most hurtful and sore spots were, and he often used this knowledge. At that times Squall *did* react. Rinoa, who kept trying to make Squall 'open up' until the very end of their close relationship, was near jealous when she saw how Seifer's mere look could produce a burst of emotions in Squall. She never admitted it, but this was one of the reasons of her breaking up with him and going to Timber.  
  
"So that's where you are, Squall-man," Zell said, appearing suddenly from behind and leaning over Squall's shoulder.  
  
"...Hello Zell..." Squall said, trying to be polite. "How was the festival?"  
  
"Wow Squall, it was totally awesome!" Zell jumped in excitement. "So much fun! Selphie and Irvine won themselves a prize for 'The Longest Kiss' contest, and Quistis danced for two hours, and there were free hotdogs! Yeah!"  
  
"Great," Squall answered, hoping Zell had nothing more to tell.  
  
"Too bad you didn't go," Zell continued, crushing Squall's hopes. "Then again, maybe it's better for you," he added after some thought. "Perhaps you wouldn't like to see Rinoa."  
  
"She was there, too?" Squall showed some more interest.  
  
"Yep. With that friend of hers, I don't remember his name."  
  
"How's she?"   
  
"Oh, ok, I guess," Zell replied. "She asked about you."  
  
"...Whatever..." Squall said lowering his eyes into the book, showing he was not interested in continuing the dialog.  
  
"By the way, do you know what happened to Seifer?" Zell asked unexpectedly. Squall raised his eyes again, feeling his cheeks turning red.  
  
"He actually gave me a greeting instead of calling me 'chicken wuss'" Zell sounded rather amazed by that fact. Squall said nothing and returned his eyes to the book before him, blushing even more intensively.  
  
"Ok, I'll go for lunch," Zell said, turning away. He stopped for a second near the library door and chuckled. "And, by the way, isn't it easier to read a book in some language known to you?" With that comment, he went out.  
  
Squall closed the book and looked at its cover in disgust. It was labeled 'Easy Reading Series: Sanskrit. Part One'  
  
This conversation diverted Squall's attention from his subject. It came to him, that perhaps it was better to leave the library and go think in some other place. So he returned the sorry book to the shelf where it originally belonged. He did not know the fact, but he was the only student who ever opened this book.  
He went out and directed himself to his room. Walking, he began to think again.  
  
Yes, he did react on Seifer's actions, and that was the only seam in the solid wall he built around his feelings.  
Now this seam widened severely and the wall was in danger. Squall could nearly imagine the cold bricks falling out, allowing passage inside. The previous night made it possible, and Squall did not know if this was correct or not. Should he let it shatter and leave his soul unprotected, or should he take the mortar and stones and try to mend the damaged barrier? Squall was not only unsure of what to do, he was frightened. He needed more time.  
  
Later that night Seifer knocked on Squall's room door. Receiving no answer, he pushed it open. There was no one inside.  
Seifer entered and looked around. The room looked uninhabited, there were no signs of a person living there. Then Seifer spotted a note that was lying on the empty table.  
  
"Seifer -  
I know you will read this, so...  
You are probably wondering what had happened? Nothing. Just try to understand me... once more. I must take a stand and think. When I am ready, I'll return.  
Don't try to find me.  
- Squall."  
  
Seifer sat down on the chair, still holding the note. Squall needed to think... And Seifer thought everything was perfectly clear. He felt it when he moved his lips to Squall's ear and whispered to him three banal words, the ones he was always afraid to say... Did that mean nothing to Squall?  
"I'll return," was written on the note.  
Seifer stood up and exited, carefully folding the note. "I hope," he thought. "I... do hope!"  
  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, what do you think? Is it worse than the first part? Or better?  
By the way, do you think this is the end of the story, or should there be another sequel?  
R+R!!! Pleeeeease? 


	3. A Game of Beasts and Walls

Note/Warning/Disclaimer: Eh, what had started being just my first shounen-ai fic ended as a trilogy. This world is really strange...  
Here's the third, the final part of it. Personally, I don't think that it's better than its prequels. Again, there's nothing graphical, so you can read it unless the *idea* of male/male relationship shocks or offends you.  
//sobbing// Squall & Seifer still aren't mine... But I hope that someday... Oops, did I say that aloud?  
  
  
  
A Game of Beasts and Walls  
aka The (Happy?) Ending  
  
  
  
It was said in the Garden that Squall had taken some days off. Well, nothing strange, except for one thing - Squall had never done it before, moreover, he always seemed to be a workaholic. Rumors said that it had something to do with Rinoa, who supposedly had sent him a letter, but these were just rumors.  
  
Only two men knew the real reason, and currently one of them was standing in his room, in front of the mirror, biting his lips. He was also attempting to smirk in his common victorious manner, but every time he tried to do that something stopped him and he failed miserably. Perhaps Seifer's smirking failure was caused by the fact that he didn't really want to smirk. Instead, he wanted to sit somewhere in a corner and sob quietly. But when you're Seifer Almasy, you have to keep your reputation... or at least try to.  
  
"Damn," Seifer thought, "damn!" He was unsure of whom or what to blame for his current pathetic mood - and that was also an outrage. It made him nervous and slightly angry. "Damn," Seifer thought again. "Why," he asked himself, "why bother? Nothing has changed." But deep inside he knew that was a lie. Everything had changed, in that very moment when he had showed his true feelings to Squall. Squall... What did *he* feel? Seifer knew not. But his own sensations were grim. Perhaps he should never let Mr. Ice Man know that he needed him? That he cared for him, loved him? Seifer always thought of himself as of a man who cannot be hurt by others. He was proven wrong - it really did hurt when Squall ran away. God, it still was hurting.  
  
***  
  
The day was rainy. Thick clouds flocked in the sky and heavy drops of water were falling onto the roof of the orphanage building, gathering there into one flow that finally reached the ground, producing a calm soothing sound. A small boy was standing on the open terrace, looking at some point hidden behind the wall of rain. He was thinking of Sis, who wasn't near him anymore. That was probably the first time in his life when Squall felt really lonely. And sometimes moments like this can change one's entire life.  
  
Ten years later the day was rainy, too. Squall knew that returning here would be painful, but pain can be a cure. He was standing on the same old terrace, looking into the rain. Squall leaned to the wall. The stone was cold, and touching it caused him to shrug. But a warm feeling was slowly awakening inside him. Memories, half lost, half transformed, were once again returning to him. Some brought the feeling of a warm spring wind along with them, some threw burning sparks of unresolved aches. However, every one helped him to remember the beautiful time when they all were children...  
  
"How stupid," he thought. "I came here to think about my future but ended up recalling the past..."  
  
***  
  
Seifer took the note out of his pocket and re-read it. "Try to understand me...once more..." Seifer drew his breath. "I tried, Squall," he said to himself. "I have always been trying. But why do you ask me about this without trying to understand me in turn? Gosh! You have never thought my feelings mattered, have you?"  
  
Did not Squall think his actions could hurt Seifer?  
  
Did he only care about himself?  
  
Seifer felt they had done something wrong. Maybe they should really have forced the whole affair out of their brains and have forgotten it completely? Perhaps *this* was the right thing to do...  
  
***  
  
Squall went inside. The stone walls had always protected the orphan children from bad weather and forest monsters, but they had not been able to protect them from growing up and facing their destiny. Squall smiled, because the walls he had built inside himself were sturdier. He gave a bitter laugh - and was surprised to see there was one more person in the room. A little boy was sleeping on the old bed, his hand holding a tiny basket half-filled with wild berries. Squall's laughter woke him up, the boy sat up, rubbed his eyes and looked suspiciously at Squall.  
  
"Hello," Squall said in the friendliest way possible.  
  
"Good day, mister," the boy replied. He was frightened to find an unknown man in his shelter. Squall approached him and sat down on the bed near him.  
  
"My name is Squall," he said. "And what's yours?"  
  
"Kei, mister," the little guy answered.  
  
"A nice name you have," Squall said. He liked the boy and did not want to scare him. "How did it happen, Kei, that you're here all alone?"  
  
The boy took a firmer grip of his basket. "You see, mister Squall," he said sniffing, "I was picking the berries for my mother when that big ugly thing jumped out of the bushes. It was angry and I think it wanted to eat me. I ran, but it chased me all the way up here. I ran in and closed the door. And now I'm afraid to go home."  
  
Both Squall and Kei had a beast to be afraid of... And suddenly Squall realized he knew he could battle those beasts. He stroked the kid's red hair. "You need not to be afraid anymore. When the rain stops, I'll bring you home," Squall assured the boy.  
  
***  
  
Seifer returned to his room to take a shower after his everyday training. He tried to fill his day with common routine actions and not to leave any time for thinking. It was hard and was not becoming easier with time: he caught himself reflecting on their relationships with Squall again. But this time he was sure: he will tell Squall that they were both wrong and that they should not repeat the mistake. He hoped Squall would agree with that...A loud knocking on the door forced him out of his introspection.  
  
"Wait a second!" he shouted, enfolding himself into a big fluffy towel and going out of the bathroom. He unlocked and opened the door, revealing Selphie. Seifer raised his left eyebrow indicating his attention. Selphie reminded him that he had promised to help her with her new project. Then she left and Seifer went back to the bathroom. But it seemed that his fate was against it, because someone was knocking on his door again.  
  
This time it was Irvine, who asked what Seifer was going to give Quistis as a birthday present. He wanted to make sure they wouldn't give her the same thing. After gathering the necessary information, Irvine departed. Seifer waited if anyone else wanted to bug him, but nobody came. Seifer suspiciously eyed the door and returned to the bath. But as soon as he turned on the water, they knocked again. He ran out and swung the door open.  
  
"Hello Seifer," Squall said. "May I come in?"  
  
Seifer stepped aside, allowing Squall to enter. The person who haunted his last nights and days was right here. How many times Seifer had imagined this... He had repeated what he wanted to say to Squall before his mirror a thousand times. He opened his mouth to finally voice it. But Squall pressed a finger against his lips, saying, "Shhh. Please let me speak first."  
  
"My words can wait," Seifer replied acidly.  
  
"Seifer," Squall said and made a pause. "I'm so sorry... I was incorrect." Seifer waited patiently.   
  
"I have always been acting like a fool," Squall continued. "Perhaps even now I'm being idiotic. Can you forgive me for that?" He lowered his eyes. "I have been so selfish. Damn, I *am* selfish! Instead of accepting the chance life had given me I ran away. But I could not hide from myself... Shit, I can't even express myself right! I said 'accept the chance', as if love is some sort of material thing... I... I don't know... I didn't think about your feelings... I always tried to think about it rationally... And now I can not."  
  
He raised his eyes to meet Seifer's. "But there is one thing I know for sure. I love you, Seifer. And I always will... if you allow it."  
  
Silence followed. Now how could Seifer say what he wanted to?  
  
"Answer me, please."  
  
More silence followed. Squall sighed and looked away.  
  
"You wanted to say something... before," he remembered. Seifer felt he would never ever want to say these things again. Squall loved him. And he loved Squall. What else did matter? Seifer moved forward and enclosed Squall into a strong hug.  
  
"I'll allow *you*," he said feeling his lips forming a victorious smirk, "if you allow *me*."  
  
Squall looked back into Seifer's green eyes. "Okay," he answered simply. The last bricks of his wall had just crumbled to dust, and he was happy about it.  
  
---  
  
Well, the ending WAS happy, after all. I thought they'd never make it. Glad that I was wrong. ;-)  
Please tell me if you liked it ending this way or not! 


	4. The Beast Within: A Bonus Poem

A bonus poem inspired by 'The Wall' by Pink Floyd, Jane Jensen's GK2, my own experiences and this fanfic. Yes, it's not rhymed, but who cares? I'm sorry for being improperly moralistic here, too.  
  
The Beast Within  
  
When being chased by frightening beasts,  
We take the bricks of our past,  
And build a wall to keep us safe.  
Then, finally, it grows too high  
To climb it. And we can't escape.  
A shelter is a prison now,  
What we can only do is pray  
For someone from the other side  
To take the tools and try to break  
Inside. And if the prayer's heard,  
Then someone comes and makes a hole  
In this barrier around ourselves.  
We crouch through it back to our world,  
We face the beasts that still are here,  
But they can frighten us no more...  
We search again and then we see  
The real beast: the beast within.  
It's always there, inside ourselves.  
We'll need more courage facing him.  
Now, try and fight it, if you dare! 


End file.
